Three years ago I was introduced to The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber. If you’re not totally familiar with the tale, it’s a short story written by Ernest Hemingway. It’s the tale of a couple on Safari, and a chain of events that leads to the end of Francis. It’s a great story, and was my first glimpse into Hemingway. I have nothing but respect for this story.

However, there are not two modern authors who have taken the title, changed it to fit their characters, and then produced work that I’m not thrilled about. First up is The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. For some reason beyond my comprehension this book is a Pulitzer Prize winner. I read this book, from beginning to end, and kept saying to myself, “It’s going to get better.” I made this same mistake with A Million Little Pieces. I’m positive that there are plenty of people out there that really enjoyed Diaz’s novel. It just couldn’t do it for me, and that could have something to do with not being able to connect with the characters. I thought Oscar and I could connect on some level, but there were just far too many differences for me to care enough about Mr. Wao.

Next up we have Stephanie Meyer. That’s right, her. The ruiner of vampire mythos for generations to come. I already don’t like her for the weird way she’s chosen to portray vampires, for the overwhelming “stalking is awesome” and “emotionally abusive unstable men make awesome boyfriends” themes found in her books. With the adding of The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner to her catalog I’m ready to draw the line. I’ve had enough of her, and need her to go away now. At my wife’s very slight urging I read Meyer’s introduction to her novella, and it is pretty ridiculous. I can’t figure out how she wrote an entire section of her series dealing with these “new-born” vampires, and then claims that she never bothered to understand them until this? I don’t get it.

I almost called this blog A Short Woesome Rant by Chet, but decided before I wrote anything that this was cheap, and would ruin the spirit. Instead you get a tribute to Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

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Chat Log: *I’m Nicole. FYI. I was using her name since it’s registered to her.*

GWSI1202 says: Welcome to Gateway Chat. My name and badge number are GWSI1202. I am looking at your account and the information you submitted. I will begin troubleshooting with you in just a moment.
Nicole says: Hello.
GWSI1202 says: Thank you for staying online.I really appreciate your patience.
GWSI1202 says: Hi Nicole.How are you doing today?
GWSI1202 says: I have verified that the product is covered under warranty. However let me check how can I help you with this issue.
Nicole says: I’m fine. I’ll be better when I get this worked out. You’re the fourth technician I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with today.
Nicole says: Hello?
GWSI1202 says: Yes.
GWSI1202 says: From the information you provided I understand that you want to know how to flash the bios. Am I correct?
GWSI1202 says: Don’t worry. I will try to resolve your issue as early as possible.We apologize you for the inconvenience.
Nicole says: yes
GWSI1202 says: RESET BIOS1.Reset BIOS settings to default settings2.Press F2 at the splash screen to enter the BIOS.3.In the BIOS, press F9 to reset the BIOS to setup defaults. 4.At the confirmation screen, press Enter for Yes. 5.Press F10 to save and Exit. 6.At the confirmation screen, press Enter for Yes. The computer reboots.Note: If the computer has an add-in sound card, disable the integrated (onboard) audio after setting the BIOS to defaults.
GWSI1202 says: Please follow the steps provided and if you have any issues, feel free to get back to us at any time.
GWSI1202 says: Since this is a time consuming process, I cannot walk you through this. Please try this and if you have any issues feel free to get back to us.
GWSI1202 says: To save your chat log, please click on the “View Live Log” button at the bottom left side of the chat window. It will open a chat log window. Please use the option to “Save log to disk”. Keep in mind you do not need a disk or cd. You can simply save the log to your system.
Nicole says: okay wait
Nicole says: How do i update the BIOS.
Nicole says: I downloaded the new BIOS software, but cannot figure out how to install that.
Nicole says: An earlier technician said I needed to put the software onto a CD to boot from, but the LT 1000 series does not have a CD Drive.
GWSI1202 says: Please provide me couple of moments while I look for the solution to help you with this issue.
Nicole says: thanks
GWSI1202 says: Iam sorry to say this, for this computer we dont have cd/dvd drive..
Nicole says: I am aware of that.
Nicole says: I’m holding the computer, I can see that there isn’t a cd/dvd drive
GWSI1202 says: I request you to call local technician he will help you out.
Nicole says: what local technician?
GWSI1202 says: Any from local store.
Nicole says: yeah they said we had to contact Gateway directly.
Nicole says: so here I am. Contacting Gateway.
GWSI1202 says: Okay.
Nicole says: So…there’s nothing else you can do for me?
GWSI1202 says: To fix this issue, we need to send your computer for repair.
GWSI1202 says: It takes 7-10business days.
Nicole says: ok
GWSI1202 says: Just give me a moment.
Nicole says: ok
GWSI1202 says: Thank you for being online.
Nicole says: no problem
GWSI1202 says: You need to pay one way shipping charges.
Nicole says: the warranty doesn’t cover all shipping? that seems wrong.
GWSI1202 says: If it is okay with you then i sechdule your computer for repair.
GWSI1202 says: Iam sorry to say th free shipping charges is only for one month.
GWSI1202 says: Are we still connected?
Nicole says: we are
GWSI1202 says: Okay.
Nicole says: What do we need to do to schedule this?
GWSI1202 says: We need to sechdule your computer for repair, to fix this issue.
GWSI1202 says: Are we still connected?
Nicole says: Yes.
Nicole says: But what do I need to do to get it scheduled.
GWSI1202 says: Okay.
Nicole says: What’s happening?
GWSI1202 says: I would like to provide you with the lates bios update.
GWSI1202 says: Pleas use the below link to download the bios update:
GWSI1202 sent a link to . [http://support.gateway.com/support/drivers/getFile.asp?id=22623&uid=261772017]
GWSI1202 says: You need download the bios update from the link.
GWSI1202 says: After that you need to burn it to a disk as an ISO image.
GWSI1202 says: After you burn that you need to insert the disk and restart the PC.
GWSI1202 says: You will have the option to flash the bios or update the bios.
Nicole says: You seem to have forgotten that my computer doesn’t have a disc drive.
GWSI1202 says: In such scenarios you need to send your computer on depot repair.
GWSI1202 says: Is that okay with you?
Nicole says: Yes. We already went through this conversation
Nicole says: I’ve been waiting on you to tell me what to do to schedule such repairs.
GWSI1202 says: I will let you know.
GWSI1202 says: If I am right you are facing issue the battery, is that correct?
Nicole says: I assume so since the computer won’t recognize its existence.
GWSI1202 says: Please remove the battery and turn on the laptop using only the adaptor.
Nicole says: and then what?
GWSI1202 says: Let me know if the computer turn on or not?
Nicole says: it does.
GWSI1202 says: Alright.
GWSI1202 says: Have you tried checking using any similar battery to know if your laptop can detect other batteries or not?
Nicole says: Are you truly this daft or are you just messing with me now?
Nicole says: Why would I have extra batteries lying around, and if I were to have extra batteries that worked this would be a nonissue.
GWSI1202 says: As per the information provided the issue could be because of the laptop or the bad battery,
GWSI1202 says: Hence we need to tak your laptop for repair.
GWSI1202 says: Is that okay with you?
Nicole says: I think we’re done here.
Nicole says: This is the third you’ve said it needs to go in for repairs and I’ve said okay.
Nicole says: Clearly there is some miscomunication somewhere.
GWSI1202 says: For this you need to send us the computer to our authorized repair center, I would let you know about the address.
Nicole says: Which isn’t your fault really.
Nicole says: It’s your employers fault.’
Nicole says: If I seem upset with you, I’m not. Just so you know.
GWSI1202 says: I apologize for the inconvenience.
GWSI1202 says: Please let me know shall I go ahead now and place you a repair service.
Nicole says: No. I think I’m done dealing with this for tonight.
GWSI1202 says: Its okay.
Nicole says: I think that I’m at my wit’s end.
GWSI1202 says: You can contact us at any point of time.
GWSI1202 says: It was a pleasure working with you. My name and badge number are GWSI1202. Thank you for using Gateway Remote Assistance and have a great day.
Nicole says: Of course. I’m not entirely sure if I want to at this point.
Nicole says: Yeah enjoy your night.
GWSI1202 says: To save your chat log, please click on the “View Live Log” button at the bottom left side of the chat window. It will open a chat log window. Please use the option to “Save log to disk”. Keep in mind you do not need a disk or cd. You can simply save the log to your system.
GWSI1202 says: It was a pleasure working with you. Your Service Request number is1-64SYQF My name and badge number are GWSI1202. Thank you for using Gateway Remote Assistance and have a great day.

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Here’s a link with a great chart for those of you who need more help: Learn Your Damn Homophones [NSFW]

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I respectfully decline your invitation to communicate on the matter at hand any further. After your curt and grammatically erroneous response I’ve promptly decided that you’re an arse-hat who does not deserve any more of my time- beyond this response. Enjoy the rest of your existence.

Abruptly Yours,
Chet

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Monday, April 20, 2009: The first Monday of the semester when I would not be teaching labs.

7:30 am: The day began.

8:00 am: Shower.

9:00 am: Drop fiance off at class.

9:15 am: Return home and layout the day’s agenda.

1. Research and write-up internet usage in Romania
2. Research and write-up history of Romania
3. Read and summarize “Newspapers need to learn that great online communities should not be dictatorships” for MCM 465.
4. Finish PR Campaign
5. Work on Spanish Lab.

9:30 am: Sat on couch, noticed X-Box 360 and laptop and decided to create a Windows Media Extender relationship. (The X-Box is my new toy I received over the weekend.)

9:45 am: Retreived serial code from X-Box, began connection process.

9:45:10 am: Connection Error (!?)

9:45:45 am: Open Firefox, Google “X-Box 360 Windows Media Extender Error”

• Computer: Error -209 is the most commen problem here.
• Brain: I must have Error -209, lets not bother to check.
• Computer: Try deleting your Extender Certificate.
• Brain: Okay, .
• Brain: I don’t have a certificate…

10:00 am: Google “X-Box 360 Windows Media Extender Error Vista Ultimate”

• Computer: Reinstall Vista.
• Brain: I don’t even think so…
• Computer: I promise it works!
• Brain: Not going to work this time!
• Computer: Okay just uninstall OneCare.
• Brain: I don’t run OneCare. *fail*
• Computer: Delete secondary MAC Address on X-Box system.
• Brain: Awesome, except it doesn’t have one.

10:15 am: Google “X-Box 360 Connection Error Windows Vista not 209″

• Computer: Error -209 is the most common…
• Brain: argh!
• Smart Brain: Why don’t you check your error logs, like everyone else?
• Brain: because…
• Smart Brain: *checks error log* See you don’t have Error -209 you have Error -107.
• Brain: FML

10:30 am: Google “X-Box 360 Connection Error -107″

• Computer: Error -209 is the most common…
• Brain: Are you kidding me?
• Computer: Try everything I already told you to try again.
• Brain: okay…

10:55 am:

• Smart Brain: *thinks & considers giving up*
• Brain: NEVER! We must solve the mystery. We’re like the Hardy Boys!
• Smart Brain: *Face Palm*
• Brain: Maybe we need to reconfigure our search function. Try “X-Box 360 Connection Error.”
• Smart Brain: *Eureka!*

11:05 am: Google “Windows Error Code -107″

• Computer: It’s about time, here you are. “Error code -107 means that your network is unidentified. Wait until your connection is identified and try again.”
• Brain: What?
• Smart Brain: <Network & Sharing Center> Network = Identifying…
• Brain: oooh…

11:15 am:Reset router. Network identifies instantly.*dances*

11:20 am: Input new X-Box Serial number, select options, connection error. FML.

11:22 am: Check Error Logs. “Error -209″

• Brain: ouch…

11:25 am: Search and destroy Extender certificate. Target neutralized.

11:30 am: Re-enter X-Box Serial number, select options, go!

11:30: 25 am: Thundercats are go!

11:31 am: Celebratory dance, Fiance calls to meet for lunch.

2:30 pm: Return from lunch, check agenda.

1. Research and write-up internet usage in Romania
2. Research and write-up history of Romania
3. Read and summarize “Newspapers need to learn that great online communities should not be dictatorships” for MCM 465.
4. Finish PR Campaign
5. Work on Spanish Lab.

2:35 pm: Declare it a productive day.

Sometimes my friends are appalled by logistic steps I take. I decided that this was a fantastic experience that would allow everyone a quick glimpse into how my brain works. It’s a pretty scary place most days, but at least I can watch videos from my HD laptop on my SDTV.

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I sat down to pound out this post real quick in celebration of yet another victory by me against the spammers of the world. On aforementioned Web site I added a guestbook. I know they used to be all the rage in the days of Angelfire, but with WordPress and Blogger with their fancy instantaneous comments, no one really uses guestbooks anymore. That is only a problem because when I started that Web site I was still a rather novice PHP programmer, and even younger still in experience with MySQL. Logically I did the next best thing to programming it from scratch, I found a basic script through Google. Sadly enough this script came with no security measures short of the ones that prevent SQL injections.

Over the course of three unchecked months we accumulated several pages of spam. All of it either penny stocks, Viagra or increasingly disturbing porn sites. My first attempts involved CAPTCHAs. I’ve always hated CAPTCHAs, and when I couldn’t program a successful one I hate them even more. I dropped that idea like a hot iron, and decided to attempt the honey-pot method. BINGO! It cleared out all spam I’ve had to worry about, and I get a convenient email every time an attempt is made.

Not long after my initial victory, I ran into something worse than a spam bot, a spam humanoid. The honey-pot method is virtually useless against human spammers. After a few weeks of collecting and deleting spam from real live people, I noticed the one common link among them. They all used the same e-mail service. For the sake of protecting my coding I won’t say which one. Tonight I’ve successfully implemented a means to block anyone using that Web address for email. Sadly though that blocks out a lot of traffic from a large country. Oh well, they shouldn’t let spammers run rampant.

Have any of you out there got any good spam stories?

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In the few weeks that we’ve been in operation I’ve had to drastically change the way I run my life. I used to procrastinate like no one’s business, but now I have to stay on top of everything and everyone all of the time, or else we fall behind. I’ve also quickly had to adjust to the different styles and work ethics of my fellow students. Everyone does everything differently, and they all have different attitudes about when and how they should do their work. It may become frustrating and overwhelming at times, but I’m pulling a lot out of these experiences.

I’ll try to blog about my work with the firm more often, however I will be keeping all client data strictly confidential. So boo to all you snoopers out there.

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Also chetandnicole.com is up and running so go and read and enjoy and sign my super cool self coded guestbook!

Until then!

ChetG

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This is a graph of the Dow Jones Industrial Average on Friday October 10, 2008. There were a lot of very nice peaks, but there were also very, very many more valleys. I love the valleys within the valleys. I’m just a meek PR major, what do I know about economics and/or the stock market. Ladies and Gentlemen I know that when the markets are down, you do not sell. I don’t know who started this wonderful trend of panicking when someone yells, “the sky is falling!” It has the same resounding effect as, and I’m stealing this directly from Dr. Chris White, yelling “FIRE!” in a crowded theatre. Everyone jumps up drops their belongings and runs away crying.

This sheep-like mentality is killing me. I don’t usually watch the markets, but after the whopping 700+ point drop last week, I haven’t been able to stop watching. There are a lot of people that have lost a lot of money in the recent market flops, but I am having trouble sympathizing with some individuals that are selling out, because they think it’s the smarter thing to do. This is what happens when you allow people who don’t know even the basics of supply and demand to invest in the markets. People sell when the prices start falling because they seem to not understand that Warren Buffet is going to come in behind them and buy their newly dropped stock, and the prices will rise again. If no one wants it, then the prices are low. Thusly is everyone sells their shares, the prices drop. It’s a very simple concept. Honestly if I wasn’t living the life of an undergrad, I’d be investing. There are quite a few nice deals out there currently among the floundering prices, Ford Motors is down to $2.00 a share of Christ’s sake.

Maybe I’m too young and naïve to understand what’s going wrong. I feel reassured by the people I’ve discussed this with that I’m not an idiot, but the sellers are. I hope life works out for everyone.

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1. Internet Explorer should me likened to the spawn of Satan. Unlike the rest of Beelzebub’s seemingly intelligent sin practitioners,  it has Down Syndrome. I have a theory that Microsoft let a group of twelve three-year-old children write the Internet Explorer source code.
2. I hold great disdain for Internet Explorer and its tyrannical strangle hold over most household internet browser usage. If you’re viewing this now from Internet Explorer,  I beg of you to go out and download any of the other free browsers out there. This list includes but is not limited to Mozilla Firefox and Opera. They’re both superior to Internet Explorer.
3. Throughout the rest of this post Internet Explorer will be referred to as IE followed with a number to indicate which version I am working with (e.g. IE5.5, IE6, IE7).

I sat down at my desk challenged with the task of making the Web site’s navigation bar work. On numerous pages the words and buttons didn’t line up or it was taking up more than one line on the page. Both of these unfortunate events were unacceptable. After browsing through the code behind the existing navigation bar and not being able to follow the previous author. I decided to create my own navigation bar to throw in, and to top it all off it was going to be completely CSS based. This was all jolly-good except I failed to understand that IE was coming in to thwart my day. The plan started out simple enough. I created a basic unordered list, then started applying the styles through my CSS, and it all started to flow together beautifully. I finally reached a point where I realized it would be a good time to give it a test run.

I opened up my browsers IE7 and Firefox 3.0. I loaded up the page and behold my link bar. I hovered over each button in IE, and everything worked flawlessly. I was so excited, because more often than not if it works in IE it will work in FF. I quickly clicked over to FF and then, what the hell? Nothing worked. The buttons just stared at me tauntingly. This was a crystal clear message. If it works in IE, but not FF it’s often because of faulty coding. I scoured my code, but found nothing. I then moved off to CodingForums.com for some real insight. They quickly helped me see my mistake and things were rolling smoothly again! Embarrasingly enough I was closing my list items too soon.

Now everything was working well, except the bar was vertically stacked instead of horizontally. I argued with my CSS for several minutes before I finally found a configuration that worked. It was extremely frustrating, because none of the techniques I was pulling out of the Google-sphere were working for me. Once i finally whipped the list into submission and had it flowing horizontally; I rested.

The next day I checked and noticed that everything was working everywhere, except IE6. There was no pop-down action what so ever. It was back to the forums. I found this neat little IE work-around which uses .htc files to force IE to accept the :hover pseudo-class. If that sounds like gibberish to you, that’s okay. It is gibberish that means nothing to real people. Just know that it means IE is a pain in my ass. I incorporated the .htc into my code and then it was once again working beautifully.

It was time for the final lap, the finish line was within sight and I would be sprinting by within in seconds. Suddenly somewhere YHWH decided to yell, “FAIL!” Eveything fell apart. I had loaded the RecSports homepage in FF3, IE6, and IE7. I focused on FF3 first. The menu was pushing everything down when it opened, and covered the words with errant background colors. I got rid of the background color, and added up some z-index (more gibberish). Success was mine! Everything was smashing in FF.

On to IE. IE7 actually offered me no issues except some positioning issues due to the z-indexing. Once I worked out the positions and sizing problems everything was flowing smooth. It was at this point that I was willing to award IE some point because of its drastic improvements between IE6 and IE7.

I pulled up IE6 and thar she blows. Everything was positioned perfectly! I excitedly scrolled over the links and saw the appropriate color changes, but then there were no drop downs. My brain went in to panicked mode. What had I changed that made it not work? I twiddled with the code making no progress. I finally decided to just view the menu by itself again. Lo and behold, the drop downs worked. I was perplexed to say the least.

I ran back to CodingForums to ask why in the world it worked in IE6 in some instances, but not all. No one has responded, except a great coder who has been a great help in all of this. They’ve suggested that I add in some JavaScript to counter-act IE6′s assholery (As a sidenote Firefox accepted the word assholery without question. What the heck?) This is where I am now, trying to incorporate the Javascript cleanly. It will work smoothly when I’m done.

The lesson you all should take away from this is, ABANDON INTERNET EXPLORER. Run for the hills and adopt any other Web browser out there! I use Firefox, but that’s because it’s fairly light and simple. Plus it let me have neat add-ins. There’s a link to the right that takes you to the Firefox download page. If you’re interested that is. One last proving point I have to offer is the fact that IE8 has been abandoned by Microsoft in support of Mozilla’s open source browser Firefox. This means that Firefox will come standard with Windows machines, and we won’t have to worry about IE workarounds ever again!

Next time: Grammar, Grammar and more Grammar!

ChetG

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